I want to get better, I didn’t know I was broken til I wanted to change

This weekend was rough. I was sad and wanted to be happy, so I drank, but I just ended up more sad. Everything I feel hopeless about came out in a bathroom stall in front of a good friend at Charlie’s. I can recall that conversation well enough to be scared shitless about it. It is not a conversation I hope to have again ever. Depression sucks.

I feel like I always make the same goals, have the same ideas, and do nothing to actually change. All though I had fun this weekend, I was drinking because I was sad and I simply got more sad as the nights went on. I also almost got my butt kicked by a girl waiting for the bathroom, though I’m still not sure what it is I did to her.

The root of my sadness has to do with rejection from Sarah, but there are deeper insecurities than that. I have all these fears about my life not getting better, about dying while I’m living, not growing, dying alone, spending life alone, and being crazy. One thing I’m considering is giving up alcohol. My relationship to it is not healthy if I tried to use because I was sad. My relationship to it is not healthy if I ended up saying suicidal shit. My relationship to it is not healthy if I tried to booty call a girl I actually respect and like. My relationship to it is not healthy if I’m doing it despite having a throat problem that was being exacerbated by alcohol. My relationship to it is not healthy if I almost get my ass kicked at a bathroom. My relationship to it is not healthy if I have ceased to have a good time and just end up crying about how much I miss that relationship. That being said, I haven’t drank the last two days and I plan to not drink for at least 30 days, maybe more depending how it goes.

Another change I have been considering in a big way is my friends. My friends are dysfunctional in a number of ways and surrounding myself with crazy people doesn’t seem to be getting me any where. I’ll refrain from calling each one out individually but ranges from alcoholism, addict to anything, flaky, gambling addict, bad parent, and cheater. These are not people I want in my circle. I want people in my circle that have it together. I’ve decided I’d rather hang out alone than hang out with people that don’t have much integrity.

I have been working out for the past three days and I’m happy about that. I feel better and am set toward my goal of dropping a pant size. It isn’t like I’m overweight, but it would be okay for me to trim down my waist a little. Not drinking should help with that. Not eating refined sugars should also help.

Not a super profound blog or well written blog. I’m tired.

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Moving forward

I shut off her phone today. That is all. I don’t need to write about it beyond that. I already came to terms last night with the fact that I have to create my own closure. That has to be that.

On a more practical level, shutting off the phone is one step in the direction of financial independence. My mission in life right now is to pay off any debt I have, save money, and be financially independent. I never want to feel again that I have to stay in a job because I can’t afford to leave it. I never want to have to scrape change to eat, have to consider selling my valuables, and live paycheck to paycheck, eagerly waiting the coming Friday. I don’t want that to be my life. The closer I get to 30, the more I realize that some things are important to me. I think I may actually want to own a house some day. I definitely want to travel. I do want to be an entrepreneur and hopefully employ people some day. I want to retire at a comfortable age. I don’t want to worry about money.

There is only so much money to be made in the field I chose, but I still think I can get there. One thing I’ve made a point of is not buying coffee any more. I buy coffee for my house and make it in the morning. This was a hard habit to break. Often, when I am bored at work or didn’t sleep enough the night before, I find myself walking to the local coffee shop where I know the owner and the workers and walk out with a 5 dollar almond milk mocha that really didn’t make my day any better. Sure, it is good to see those people, especially on a stressful day. It may sound silly, but it really is a hard habit to break. I’m on day 8 of not buying coffee. I did buy a tea when I was out with a friend, but that to me qualifies as an exception.

Another thing I’m making a point of is packing my lunch every work day and making my own food. The only exception would be to go out for a special social thing, like going out with old coworkers in a week from now that I haven’t seen in a while. Small sacrifices to a bigger end goal. There isn’t a ton to cut in my budget, but I’m trying where I can. I already traded my car down and probably got the best possible outcome I was going to get. I probably should have gotten a more economical Prius, but I just couldn’t do it. It was too weird to drive.

These are my goals in terms of prioritizing what debt to pay first.
1) The car dealer-236 dollars. There was a discrepancy with the actual pay off amount. 2) My dad- 565 dollars. He helped me out twice this summer and that is a priority.
3) Taxes from last year. I’m that person. I simply didn’t have the money. 800 dollars.
4) My smallest student loan- 299. The interest is low, but it would feel good to just pay it off.
5) Credit card- 5500.00. This is the most discouraging, because a portion of it is the expensive shit I bought either for Sarah or to impress Sarah. I just have to pay it off though.
6) My big student loans. I don’t even know how much I owe, my left kidney probably.

How the fuck am I going to get there?
1)Budget my current income.
2) Stop going out, unfortunately. I love people, but I just can’t.
3) Continue not buying coffee and lunch.
4) Drive for Lyft? We’ll see if this pans out.
5) Do everything possible to make the contract job work.
6) Keep searching for a higher paying job.
7) Figure out where I am able to save money and do it.
8) Turn my credit card into a personal loan with lower interest. 9) Shoot myself because this is so fucking overwhelming!

 

Somebody that I used to know

I realize now that I will never get closure. I will never get to have that conversation with the person I used to know. I won’t ever know why she didn’t trust me enough to be honest about her truth or what her truth actually is. There is no knowing what I did wrong, what I could have done better if anything, or why I wasn’t good enough for her. The truth is I was always too good for her, but I didn’t realize it. She acts as if I have committed some atrocious sin against her, when I did nothing wrong. I accepted her unconditionally, loved her with all the love I had to give, sacrificed, compromised, and worked at a relationship that would never work. You can’t make a life partnership out of what should have been a one night stand. I was proud that what should have been a one night stand wasn’t. I slept on her couch when we were both drunk and lonely. I did what seemed like the right thing. Then, we kept seeing each other, there were words like “I need you”, “mutually exclusive”, fears of using the L word, eventually not being able to deny it was love. She was scared of me, didn’t trust me, and I vowed to never intentionally hurt her, which I kept my promise. It seemed so right. We were cautious and took things slow. Maybe a year and a half was too fast to move in together, I don’t know. We turned into a couple, a codependent couple, that “needed” each  other, that basically only spent time with one another, that constantly had to say “I love you”, despite my theory that if you have to announce that all the time, maybe you really don’t love each other.

The line from Perks of Being a Wallflower comes to mind. “We accept the love we think we deserve”. We both did. I will never hear these words from her, but I didn’t do it for her. I wasn’t who she wanted to be with. I’m not into material things. I’m not a trophy wife. I’m not into codependency. I am insecure, like to read books, a hippie, and a homebody. I no longer need to apologize for being those things. I accepted the love I thought I deserved too, perhaps because I hadn’t experienced requited love before. I allowed her to treat me in ways I shouldn’t allow anyone to treat me. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, mostly financially, but emotionally too. I allowed her to need me. I became a caretaker when I didn’t want to be. All though I won’t ever hear it from her, I can guess at things I did that made the relationship fail, things I vow to myself I won’t ever do again. I didn’t speak up when I needed to, I held on to resentment, I played narratives in my head without asking what she was actually feeling or thinking, I learned helplessness to please her, I tried so hard to please her rather than focusing on my own stuff, I let her put me down, I believed the things she said, and I tolerated poor treatment for way too long. Eventually, I resented her so much that I justified cheating on her, not as an intentional attack, but as a way of getting my needs met when she chose not to change after our discussions. She wasn’t paying enough attention to know that I was cheating on her, but holding on to that sort of secret certainly probably didn’t help the relationship.

There are so many random memories, good and bad, from the relationship. I go through them in my head enough that I don’t need to do so here. Something I miss is being intimately known by another person. The existentialist in me says we’re born alone, we die alone, and we walk this earth alone. Sometimes we share experiences, but ultimately everyone’s experience is different and we’re still alone in that. Being in a relationship, no matter how poor it was at times, alleviated that. We experienced a lot together and knew each other in a way that others didn’t. All these memories in my head are now just mine and no one else would understand them. She understands them and has similar memories. This is one of the few reasons I have to try to leave communication open between each other. I find the good in people, I understand to an extent why she has created a new truth for herself, why she doesn’t share about her past, and I forgive her for everything she did to me. I take responsibility for my role. I don’t hate her, I don’t love her, I don’t feel that strongly about her any more. However, I miss her to some degree, to the extent of having shared memories, of having known each other intimately, and that we were together for so long. I don’t want to be friends with her. I don’t think she is a good person or someone that I want to spend my time and energy on. I don’t see myself gaining anything positive by being in her presence or communicating with her. I guess she may feel the same way, because she doesn’t try either.

It was her birthday the other day and I said happy birthday. She said nothing. No thank you. No response. I’m not surprised and I don’t particularly care, other than that I don’t understand how I’m just basically dead to her. It would be unfair of me to expect myself to just be over it after three months, almost four. I can’t expect myself to be unaffected by it and to quickly move on from it. It has been a process to even accept the ways in which I will have to recover from this relationship, mostly financially. I was so pissed about it at first, but now I realize that I just need to do something about it. The debt won’t magically disappear. It is easy to think about the financial piece and make a plan. It is practical. The emotional stuff just comes up out of nowhere. I want to believe that I don’t still hurt, that I can just trust people, that I’m happier than ever, that I’m unaffected emotionally. That simply isn’t true and would be weird if it were. It has only been three months.

My thoughts and feelings are incongruous at best. Part of me is so skeptical, untrusting, questions everything, and feels as if my heart was ripped out, stomped on a million times, and that I’ve tried to sew it back in, but my body isn’t taking it. It feels like my heart is half hanging out my chest for everyone to see it, all beat up and battered. Another part of me can’t help but trust, is romantic,  and I think that no one could hurt me as bad as she did and I survived it, so I could survive any other potential heartbreak. That part of me says to allow myself to take the risk of loving another again, because I know I’ll be okay with or without another person. I’m far too guarded to use terms like love and any potential future love would be cautious. The future holds what it holds, but I don’t even imagine myself living with a person again. I don’t imagine committing to life long partnership or saying I love you or sharing bills or spending holidays together. At this point, I don’t imagine much. I imagine getting through the next day and at most, the next month.

It feels so strange to have been with someone for 6 years, to have shared so much, and then to have no communication with that person. It took me all summer, just three short months, to come to terms with it. I finally traded the damn car and I probably could have done that much earlier in the summer. Granted, I was hoping someone would buy it from me directly and I would sell it for what it was worth. I think subconsciously I didn’t make any moves, because it was a connection to my past life. It was a cord I had to cut. Getting rid of the car was step 1. I’ve been playing these games with the phone bill. She is still on it with the agreement to pay half. I’ve allowed her to this in large part, to keep the communication between us open. I say things like “I’m being nice and it would be cruel to cut off her phone” or “it is cheaper for me”. These things are true, but I know that if I cut it off, I won’t have her new number, and we likely won’t speak again. I wasn’t ready for that. I became ready for that when she put the money, which was short, under the dog bowl at my house, a week late, rather than making an effort to meet me, to pay the actual amount on time. I need to stop caring for my own sake. I’m finally ready to cut that cord. I won’t have her number. We won’t speak. I won’t know how she is doing and she won’t know how I’m doing.

She will become somebody that I used to know. That is all the closure I will get. I finally accept that and have challenged myself to not attach meaning to it. Our relationship was good while it was, I experienced a lot, I’m grateful for what I’ve learned, I’m even grateful for her presence in my life. That doesn’t mean she gets to continue to be in my life. That doesn’t mean I need to continue to try to be nice or let her have any sort of power over me. Just because we were together for x amount of time and said we’d be together forever, doesn’t make me obligated to to do anything for her. I don’t need to pay her damn phone bill and make arrangements for her to pay me back. I don’t need to wish her a happy birthday. I don’t need to hang on to some notion of us being amiable with each other. She is simply one of few that I truly loved, she is a person I was with, and now she is just somebody that I used to know.

I don’t need to defend my defensiveness, I keep to myself, my family, and friendships

Atmosphere, Camera Thief

The rest of that lyric goes: I’ve got enough people to disappoint/if you disagree, I think you missed the point/ now, go ahead and grab a chair/let me tell you about the last few years.

Life has come full circle, predictably and unpredictably. Six years ago, I moved to Denver and stayed in a ninety degree apartment in a sketchy neighborhood on the west side, that is now gentrified. Full circle to the present moment in time. I’m staying in a ninety degree apartment in a sketchy part of town on the east side and I am part of gentrification.

This is not where I thought I’d be at the age of 29. Initially frustrating, my life is basically exactly how I want it to be. That is a beautiful thing. Hot as it may be, I live in a cute, modern studio on a property with five other people. My landlord and his girlfriend live in the house in front, with a roommate. There is a couple in the house next door, a huge garden, and a chicken coop in between. The chicken coop also has two ducks. I live alone and do what I want, but I’ve got a sense of community with these hippie-esque folks. Since I was a kid, I always predicted I would end my life on a commune.  This is not quite a commune, but maybe as close as I’ll get.

I feel fortunate to have learned so much or to inherently possess wisdom at a young age. Some people live their whole lives thinking that material things will actually make them happier. I can say for sure that material crap is about the only thing in my life that frustrates me. Other than really wanting to sell a ridiculous car from the relationship, I’ve never been more at peace. A month and a half ago, I trusted no one, believed no one who said I’d be better off, and couldn’t see the forest through the trees.  My life has been a trip for the last 6 months and even the 6 years before that. I wouldn’t take one second of it back. The relationship was good when it was good. Then, it wasn’t. Then, I woke up and I realized I was being controlled, tolerating emotional abuse, and I was unhappy. Then, I realized I was being lied to in a major way for 6 years. So I was. A more calloused person might not be able to move on and trust again from there.

It is probably a good thing I wasn’t writing in the midst of things happening. I was the angriest I’ve ever been and felt all of my emotions more intensely than ever. It started to eat me up in a way that terrified me more than anything else. There was a pivotal moment recently in which my heart felt free and I felt joy possibly more intensely than I have in years. The day after I moved into this new place, I had a person over for dinner. I met her two days before that and hung out with her once. I cooked up some fish and squash tacos. Seeing as my apartment is so hot, we ate outside on the patio. Heather, who lives in the house in front, came out to the patio and had some wine with us. She shared her pear salad. Stefan, the roommate, came out and had wine with us too. We were sitting outside on a perfect summer night with a glass of pinot noir, having intelligent conversation. That was the moment when everything became okay. That was the moment when I allowed myself to move on. That was the moment when I realized how great my life really is. If I could bottle up that moment and carry it with me, I would. I have carried it with me metaphorically and nearly every moment since then has led me to the same conclusion: my life is really great!

 

International Year of Quinoa

The United Nations has designated 2013 the International Year of Quinoa. I love Quinoa, so naturally, I will love 2013. Also a fair warning to all zero of my readers is that this blog resembles blogs I have written at the beginning of The International Year of Cooperatives, Forests, the Seafarer, Gorilla, and Sanitation. The difference is that quinoa will provide the nutrient dense fuel neccessary for me to actually make some of the changes I talk about. Quinoa will especcially fuel my resolve to have better human interactions and if it doesn’t, I will have plenty of ancient grains in my belly.

Four days in to this year of quinoa and water cooperation, I have decided to make some resolutions. Perhaps one should be to work on procrastination, but neither procrastination nor lack of belief in resolutions are the reason why I’ve waited until now. It is disappointment. In 2012 and the years prior, I read a lot and watched a lot of documentaries about the Mayan calendar. From the beginning, it was clear that the world was not ending, but the Mayan calendar was, and the alignment in the sky could have been significant. I convinced myself that the world would see a dramatic change for the positive on December 21, 2012 and the world as we knew it would symbolically end. A shift in unified consciousness would occur and humans would no longer have the urge to destroy their environment. 

That hope was no different than a disthymic person waiting for a magic pill to cure their psychological ailment. 2013 is here and it seems I have no choice but to keep taking responsibility and dealing head on with the things I need to. I was not hoping for my individual life to end, but with the thought of the world changing dramatically, it was easier to stick my head in the sand instead of deal with certain conflicts. Maybe the world is changing dramatically in 2013 and we all realize we can’t stick our heads in the sand and continue living the way we have been. Then again, that could just be a personal revelation that I’m overapplying to everyone. 

With that personal revelation and my decision to make resolutions, on the fourth day of the new year, I will do so. My main resolution is simply to make goals at least on a weekly basis and stick to them. In the past year, my pendulum swung from nuerotic introspectiveness in which I was the scapegoat for all disappointing interactions to a complete lack of introspectiveness in which I just kept doing, living life, without stopping to analyze anything. The latter is blissful at times, the former is natural for me, and the middle ground is what I strive for, to take responsibility for the things I need to and remember to not personalize the rest. When the pendulum swung to the blissful living of life, I slowly became less goal oriented and at times still dissatisfied with my reality. The middle ground probably also includes setting some goals or guidelines for living life.

On a related side note, sometimes life is like the scene in Bridesmaids when Kristen Wiig’s character gets a citation for not changing her tail light and the cop points out to her that all she had to was go buy the 5 dollar tail light and change it. There are so many things like that in life. Barring disabilities or innate lack of talent, knowledge, etc, most things are just a matter of making decisions. I have clothes that have needed new buttons for the last year or longer. My fingers work fine, my brain works fine, I have buttons, needles, and thread, yet it is up to me to just decide to do this simple task. I’ve decided to do bigger things than that and succeeded.

Sewing buttons back on my clothes is a goal for this week along with being on time every morning for work even though no one is holding me accountable to that, giving Lily longer walks, mailing things to my family,replacing my bus pass, and using my Ninja blender.

The tough thing about writing goals is that I get manic and unrealistic. There is a run-on sentence in my head of things I want to do, most of it relating to my whole lifetime which I suppose makes it a bucket list. Here are some realistic intentions I have:
                  1)Learn how to sew and fix my own clothes. Don’t buy clothes.
                  2) Use my Ninja blender to make healthy soups and morning juices.
                  3) Cook more of my own food including things like energy bars.
                  4) Eat cleaner. Eat in season. Grow what food I can.
                  5) Continue doing Crossfit and switch over to Bally’s which is more economical.
                  6) Leave the television off during the weekdays. Much more peaceful.
                  7) No CNN. Less Netflix.
                  8) Read all the books on my bookshelf and re-read the good ones.
                  9) Catch up on paperwork at work.
                 10) Manage my work time better.
                 11) Be on time for work every day even though I’m not held accountable to it.
                 12) Get my license in March.
                 13) Get a new job in which people value and want my therapy services:)
                 14) Apply for a teaching job at a community college.
                 15) Stop using my credit card/ pay it off.
                 16) Only use my car to go to the mountains or if it is 40 degrees or less outside.
                 17) Ride my bicycle more. Possibly buy a road bike. Get a coffee cup holder.
                 18) Stay hydrated and never buy a SmartWater again. No bottled water.
                 19) Make my own coffee unless I’m treating myself for something extra special.
                 20) Use my own coffee cup, my own grocery bags, and generally less packaging
                 21) Snowboard with someone better than me, learn to ride in the park
                 22) Pack sandwiches for snowboarding EVERY weekend.
                 23)Take many photographs and share them. Maybe find studio space.
                 24) Try to paint the images in my head.
                 25) Write in my blog 3 times a week.
                 26) Go to at least one writing critique group, more if I like it.
                 27) Play volleyball, find a competitive team.
                 28) Minimize. Donate my books, old clothes, don’t buy crap I don’t really need.
                 29) Play guitar or keyboard at least once a month.
                 30) Let my spiritual self out more.
                 31) Take responsibility/ change things I don’t like about my life or self.
                 32) Stop projecting my insecurities on other people.
                 33) Try to trust people and not question their intentions.
                 34) Stop wasting time on flaky people, enjoy what time I get with those people
                 35) Be more expressive of joy, laugh and smile more, congruency
                 36) Be confident that people like me and understand that not everyone has to
                 37) Be more likeable/less cat like
                 38) Ignore people who say they like me better drunk/don’t get drunk
                 39) Apparently, get a therapist and work on 30-38!
                 40) Be secure and grateful for my relationship
                 41) Be patient, kind, and more supportive in said 5 year relationship
                 42) Assert myself in said relationship, okay 30-42!
                 43) Try out habits to make myself happier: 3 gratitudes and random acts of kindness
                 44) Give myself 30 day challenges and weekly goals
                 45) Call and see my family more
                 46) Travel somewhere other than Iowa, preferably California
                 47) Mountain bike in Moab this summer.
                 48) Take my dog on longer walks and to the park more.
                 49) Make more wine, some that tastes good preferably
                 50) Write 50 more intentions on my birthday.

Indestructible

Writing is the first step to becoming a writer and a good writer at that. I read a lot about writing. As Dessa says, “I’m  not a writer, I just drink a lot about it”. Lack of content to write about it surely not my problem. My problem is being confident that any one wants to read about anything I write, that my writing is worth reading, and that the efforts spent on the craft will pay off in some way. A long time ago, a manager at this grocery store I worked at told me that I should write for myself and no one else. His theory was that if I write because I like to do it and I benefit from it, I will get published if I’m meant to. At the time, all I could think about was someday being a published, paid author. Now, I see exactly what he means.

Anyway, it has been one week since I deleted the Facebook account and so far, I haven’t seen any consequences. I also deleted several numbers out of my phone. Two of those people texted me with sincere questions and I had to BS my reasons why I didn’t connect their number to them. As for the others, they’ll probably never know. It is one small way I can reject them in my own head and not have to feel so hurt by their rejection. I did hang out with one of those people this week and it was okay, but it felt like he was hanging out with me out of pity. Beyond that, I have just spent significant amounts of time with Sarah and my dog, Lily, and that has been fine. When I said fuck people in the last post, I meant fuck people. I’d rather spend time alone, gaining knowledge, honing my crafts, and not feeling worthless around a select few people. I just hope I can keep it up. My worst habit is forgiving people, taking another risk despite all the times that risk has resulted in failure, and basically being insane by doing the same thing over and expecting different results. I am a good person with a good heart and it is hard for me to say no to the next opportunity to hang out with people. In fact, I did agree to hang out with a coworker acquaintance and his friends the other night, but by the time I was ready, he was going to bed. Then, I realized I was caving in and doing it again.

Of course, I’m not one to cut myself off from the world and stop taking chances, but I think the real work going forward will be picking the right people and I guess, working on myself so that I am not so rejected. I am not the life of the party and generally, my best social skill involves knowing things about a lot of different things, so having the ability to be a chameleon in conversation. Where I’m going with this is that without friends, it feels like I’m passing time on this earth until I’m dead. I’d rather my life be meaningful with or without friends, though preferably with friends, so I’m just going to do things by myself, like I used to.

This is not a great ending, but my rock and always one solid person in my life is Sarah and I”m going to spend time with her now.

 

The Illusion of Connection

We live in a world of ultimate connection at the cost of productivity and non-genuine relationships. I know that this topic hasn’t been written about thousands of times, so I’ll stick to writing about my own experience. In the last 10 years since freshman year of college, I’ve gradually become more connected online in terms of having a myspace account back in the day, Facebook, email on my phone, and an Iphone with unlimited texting. I jumped on the Twitter boat for a minute and I found it to be pretty stupid. Meanwhile, I’ve gradually felt more lonely than ever before, more disconnected from people, like my relationships are less genuine than ever, and frankly, more depressed the more connected I become. Yesterday, I did something that could be considered oddly revolutionary for my personal benefit. I deleted my Facebook account. A long time ago, I deleted the myspace account with no real consequences, the twitter account with no consequences, the work email on my phone with no consequences and a lot of benefits.

As I previously mentioned, I’ll just write about my experience. A few months ago, a friend of mine told me about the Westword Music Showcase and I realized that it was two days before my birthday and Girl Talk was headlining. This was truly something not to be missed by a music fanatic who couldn’t think of doing anything better than celebrating a birthday with great friends and great music. For the last 3 months, I’ve been talking about how excited I was for it, inviting people, and researching the local bands I hadn’t heard of. When I invited a few people in person, they requested I do a facebook event invite. I was reluctant to do this as I felt I’d be setting myself up for failure and I was never about doing the impersonal invites. After some arm twisting on their part, I did the stupid invite. I continued to talk it up to people and people were excited to go. The facebook invite turned out how I thought it might. I invited 60 people and 4 responded, 1 of which actually showed up, but did  not hang out with me. Other people that I invited in person did show up with a groups of friends and did not make an effort to hang out with me. I only caught up with them due to texting them first to see where they were at. When I went off to see a band I really wanted to see,  no one wanted to go with me and I “lost ” them again. One person said she would text me when she was by the main stage, she didn’t, and then I was three rows behind her posse. She saw me and texted me. Another person texted me earlier in the day to say that she got stuck doing family stuff,  only for me to later see her facebook post about being at the races. Only hicks go to the races. Also, I invited the two other people that she was at the races with and they definitely never responded to my text or facebook invite. It was the shittiest birthday celebration ever. Imagine watching Girl Talk alone. Well, I really didn’t. I left two songs in because it sucked.

By the time I got home at 9:30 pm, I was drunk from drinking those stupid $6 Mike’s Lemonade in a can things and beer at the mainstage. I was drunk and really sad. I love music. I love music with people. I love to be surrounded by great people. I don’t love to be at a girl talk concert by myself and to invite people out, only for them to show up with groups of their own people and leave me behind. I had also gone to Urban Outfitters the night before and realized how much money I don’t make, how uncool I am, how chunky I am despite working out, and that I have a face full of acne. My self- esteem was pretty low before that and lower after that shopping experience. My self-esteem after the music thing was at an all time low with the exception of when I was 15 and when I was 19 and broke up with my first true love. Both of those times I was suicidal. Yesterday, for the first time in 3 years, I was suicidal. Obviously, I suffer from a low-grade depression that probably stems from my low self-worth which I’ve had since childhood. However, it was not depressed suicidal. It was like,  everyone-hates-me and the world would probably be a better place without me, I’m not connected to anyone really other than Sarah and even she would be better off without me, sort of suicidal. It was also sort of like, my life consistently gets worse, so I should end it while I’m ahead, instead of going for broke in gambling terms. I didn’t have a plan or means to do it, but I certainly felt all those things. My drunken, sad, self than decided to post that news on Facebook.

Professionally, that could be suicide in itself. Personally, it also sucked. I got all these texts from people that should have been there yesterday with either excuses or offers to go out for dinner for my birthday. I basically told them all that I didn’t feel like talking or doing any of that. I also reassured them all that I would not actually harm myself, though I certainly had a tentative hold on life. Then, I deleted my facebook account. So far, the only consequence has been that I had to create a fake profile to use Spotify.

I’m still incredibly sad about the whole thing. For various reasons, I can’t believe I’m still alive or that I lived past the age of 21, so my birthday happens to be a big deal now. Also, it was mostly an excuse for me to gather a bunch of people together and enjoy some music. I don’t want to be all woe-is-me, but yesterday was evidence for the fact that people don’t really know me in a genunine way and I probably am not a good person, because people really don’t make an effort to be around me. I am there for them, good and bad, yet when it is something good, no one is there. I’m left to try to enjoy it on my own. Fuck people.